How Can You Be Proper and Mistaken on the Identical Time?

It has been a very divisive year for the United States. From dealing with the pandemic and political agendas to racial injustice and redefining our institutional principles, almost every topic that appears on your social media newsfeed or conversation has two sides, and you'll know better which one you're on are located.

What bothered me most, more than the important and controversial issues our society is facing, was the criticism and judgment given by both sides of any discussion. It seems that an "us versus you" mentality has emerged in the universal mind and we are pretty busy looking for evidence to support our point as we get rid of anyone on our list of friends who opposes. This persistent state of conflict creates mental and emotional stress for everyone involved, especially when you feel torn between two sides of the argument.

During this time I personally turned to a book that influenced me a lot during my studies: The Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Institute. * Through fictional storytelling, this book teaches how we inadvertently invite or perpetuate conflict that we believe we are trying to resolve. It explains the dynamics of interpersonal conflict and how our perception can be distorted. Most importantly, this teaching shows how being aware of these tendencies can reduce their control, so that we can see situations more clearly and work more efficiently toward solving problems of all sizes.

This process begins with seeing others simply as people rather than objects. Citing Martin Buber's famous philosophy of me and you versus me and id, in which he defined how we tend to have one of two types of relationship with the rest of the world, person-to-person (me and you) or person-to-object (Me) and it). At first glance, you probably don't consider yourself to be someone looking at someone as an object. However, when our views about others are disrespected, we have essentially dehumanized them in our own thoughts.

The philosophy in this book does not deny that in any argument one might be right while someone else might be wrong. It doesn't mean that you should always be okay with everyone. What it does say, however, is that whatever disagreement occurs, your heart is either at war or peace on the matter. The sad truth is that many of us fail to realize when our hearts are at war because we feel vindicated in our anger, intensity, or stubbornness. We may be on the right side of an argument, but when our hearts are at war we cannot see the situation clearly enough to come up with a real, lasting solution. So we find ourselves right and still wrong at the same time.

I once saw a bumper sticker that said, "Anyone who drives faster than me is an idiot, and anyone who drives slower is an idiot." I think we've all identified with this feeling at some point and I think it underscores our tendency to judge others in terms of our own perception. In both of these scenarios, my views of the other drivers lack respect, and at this point I see them as objects or obstacles. I haven't thought about how the slower driver mourns the loss of a loved one and thereby slowly moves through all of their day-to-day chores, or how the faster driver shows fear on the way to an important interview because he was fired from her last one Job. This is speculation, of course, but they are examples of real people with real problems and real motivations or struggles that go much deeper than these drivers might disrupt my day.

“As important as behavior is, most problems at home, at work, and in the world are not failures of strategy but failures of being. When our hearts are at war, we cannot see situations clearly, we cannot look at the position of others seriously enough to solve difficult problems, and we ultimately provoke hurtful behavior in others. When we have deep problems, it is because we fail at the deepest part of the solution. And when we fail at this deepest level, we invite our own failure. “- Anatomy of Peace

Our world has some major problems. Big problems need big solutions. Let's make it permanent. A great way to do this is to start with our own inner heart. When we cultivate a heart in peace, we can courageously seek justice and truth to find a lasting solution for all.

* I am currently hosting an online discussion group on this book on Facebook. There is a link on my website for anyone interested in learning more about this book or its concepts.

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