Why You Have It & Cease It
"I've written eleven books, but every time I think," Oh, they're going to find out now. I have a game for everyone and they will find out about me. "- Maya Angelou
Any moment they would find out.
I scanned the large conference room. The 26 members of the project team at the table discussed the data analysis. Their voices were muffled by the thick fog of my fear.
My own throat tried to choke me and my chest refused to expand. Sweat ran down my side.
Breathe, just breathe. It will be okay.
My eyes met my boss's and he smiled across the room at me. I quickly looked down at my notes. My cheeks burned.
I knew what was coming.
Next, it would be my turn to present my part of the project. I had been working on it for months. Start early, stay late, enslave every waking hour, perfect every detail.
But I couldn't hide any longer. Couldn't pretend anymore. I would be exposed.
In a few minutes, they would find that my efforts were not up to date. That I wasn't good enough.
They would listen to my presentation and their faces would darken with disappointment. They whispered to each other in dismay and asked me questions I couldn't answer.
And then someone got up and pointed at me and said, “You have no idea what you're talking about, do you? You are nothing but a scam. A pathetic excuse for a scientist. You know nothing."
Every moment.
I clung to the edge of the table. Tears stung my eyes and I swallowed hard. My bowels were spinning.
I had to go.
I jumped up and mumbled an apology. Heart racing, I stumbled out of the room and made it to the bathroom.
And then I cried.
Why I was a named cheater but not by nature
I finally managed to pull myself together. I washed my face, blown my nose, and took several deep breaths.
And I returned to the fateful meeting, red-eyed and puffy. I'm faking an allergic reaction to hide my shameful episode.
I presented my work.
And nothing happened. Nobody contradicted, interrogated, exposed. No fingers were pointed at me.
I only saw friendly faces and nods of agreement. Some people even praised the tremendous amount of work I put in and the high quality of my results.
And yet, when I shuffled home exhausted and numb that night, I had no desire to celebrate a success. Because all I could think was, “You were lucky this time. The next time they'll find out that you are for sure a scam. Then it's game over. "
And right there, on a dark November evening in 2007, it hit me. I had a problem. It ruined my life, destroyed my confidence, and sabotaged my career.
I had to do something about it.
When I got home, I googled "feeling like a cheat at work" and found that I wasn't alone. The problem seemed so common that it even had a name for it: imposter syndrome.
And I showed all of the symptoms.
I doubted myself and my abilities and believed that my skills and expertise always fell short of expectations. No matter how hard I tried, my successes seemed negligible and ridiculous compared to others. And I couldn't believe anyone who told me I did a good job.
Imposter syndrome was clearly the problem I was facing. But the word "cheater" did not match what I saw in the office every day.
I have not maliciously tried to deceive other people and lead them to believe I am more knowledgeable, competent, and successful than for my own fraudulent gain.
In fact, the opposite was true.
I didn't pretend to be more than me to advance my career and take advantage of innocent people. No, I have hidden my weaknesses and shortcomings as best I can. So others would not discover my devastating secret.
I just didn't know yet.
The unveiling of the real reason behind my imposter syndrome
For the next several years, I looked for a way to eradicate my Cheat Syndrome. I read self-help books, took personal growth courses, meditated, and visualized.
And things have improved.
After a while, the all-consuming panic of being exposed as a fraud subsided. I was able to sit down better in meetings and presentations. And I even began to take praise here and there with an awkward smile and just a slight shock.
Even so, the persistent, fearful voice played in the background of my mind every day of my life, “You are a scam. And one day they'll find out about you. "
The frustration of being stuck in an endless, self-degrading loop turned into anger at my inability to overcome my Cheat Syndrome. Why was I so horrified to be exposed?
My mind knew I was doing pretty well. That I was good at my job. And even if my mistakes were exposed, it wouldn't be the end of my career.
Or my life.
Still, I was afraid of this one question that would hit my blind spot. And I anticipated the accusing finger when my work was scrutinized. Because my subconscious believed it was the end of being exposed as my faulty self.
I just didn't know why.
Until I took part in group hypnotherapy a few months later in May 2010. We have been asked to recall a scene in our past that gave rise to our most harmful beliefs. And while I couldn't conjure up the past, limiting belief shot into my brain and made me gasp.
Because it explained all of my struggles with imposter syndrome.
The heartbreaking belief that destroyed my life and sabotaged my career
"I have no right to exist."
The brutality of the thought broke my heart and filled my eyes with tears. Why should I believe such a thing?
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it made sense. I constantly felt the need to work harder, be better, and accomplish more to justify my existence. To prove to myself and others that it was okay to stay with me while I was useful.
Even though I was an illegal immigrant.
As long as I showed no weakness, made no mistake, and contributed more than my fair share to society, I would be tolerated. Others would overlook the fact that I shouldn't really exist. That I was some kind of accident, a flaw in the universal plan.
But to be exposed as anything but perfect would result in my temporary stay in life being revoked.
And I knew deep in my heart that I wasn't flawless, that I was fighting. I was just forging the perfect version of myself that met all of the qualification criteria set out in my temporary residence permit.
I didn't have the knowledge, expertise, or success to hold a permanent place in this life.
I was a scam. Pretending to belong in this life when I didn't. Every day I desperately clung to the hope that I could blind everyone around me for just one more day. But I lived with the constant horror that my devastating secret would be revealed.
Sure, my conscious mind understood that my fear was irrational.
What would I have thought if I was exposed as a fraud without a permit to exist? Would I just stop being Disappear in a cloud of purple smoke?
I knew it didn't make sense. Yet belief was deeply anchored in me. And I was just about to find out why.
The disastrous reason I believed I had no right to exist
In September 2010, I consulted an energy healer to help with what was then severe fear. I mentioned that I was struggling with imposter syndrome and the belief that I had no right to exist.
And she looked at me and said, “Of course you do. Because you have no self worth. "
It was the piece of the puzzle that I needed. Suddenly it all made sense.
I believed that I was naturally worthless. And that I didn't have the right to exist until I had value
So my whole life has been a relentless pursuit of greater value. All the long hours, all the hard work, all the perfecting happened on behalf of a precious generation. Earning the right to exist.
But I was caught in a vicious circle.
I had to gain wealth, love, and abundance in order to have enough worth to have a permanent right to exist. But I wasn't worthy enough to deserve it.
I had to be a success, but I was afraid that reaching greatness would draw too much attention to me. And the fact that I was alive without the right permissions.
My inherent worthlessness made it impossible to claim the right to exist. And without the right to exist, I could never get what I needed to deserve enough worth.
It was a hopeless, futile search. With no prospect of a solution. And I had only one option: to pretend to be a fraud.
And hope no one would ever find out.
The impossible riddle of a worthless existence
I had no idea how to get out of this rut. How could I amass enough worth to earn the right to exist so that I never have to feel like a cheat again?
I hit a wall in my search. There seemed to be no solution, just senseless ruminating that went round and round. Was I doomed to hide in the shadows and could never rightly claim my place in life?
I wanted to surrender to my fate as an unwanted excuse, as a slave to my cheat syndrome and my worthlessness. But then my daughter was born.
And one realization changed everything.
The key to unlock your worth
About three weeks after she was born, I looked at my little girl who was sleeping peacefully. Her chest moved in a healthy rhythm and a tiny smile played around her lips.
My heart was filled with adoration for this wonderful creation, and I knew it was precious. That she had every right to exist in this world and deserved all the love, happiness and abundance this life has to offer.
Yet she had no success, wealth or success to pay for her right to exist. She never deserved any value. And she didn't have to.
Because value was the essence of their being, the core of their true selves. It was worth personifying.
And me and everyone else too. Because true, intrinsic value cannot be destroyed. It is as constant as our cell structure, it doesn't change when we fail, are criticized, or make a mistake.
The realization was life changing. The sudden relief felt like a medium-sized mountain range was falling from my chest. I didn't have to prove my worth!
Society had taught me all my life that I needed soaring success, perfection and wealth to earn the right to exist. But they were wrong. My entire belief system that caused my struggles was flawed.
Because the truth was that I was worth like my little daughter.
As such, I could never be worthless. I had the right to exist, to claim my rightful place in life and my happiness here and now. Just because I was alive.
And I finally had the cure for my cheat syndrome.
How to stop feeling like a scam once and for all
So I started to affirm, “I have the right to exist. I'm worth it "several times a day. Every time I felt insecure, worthless, or like a cheater, I was reminded of my infinite, inherent worth.
At first my mind resisted the change. Thinking about worthlessness had become a disastrous habit that my mind was unwilling to give up without a fight. But I persevered.
And finally I retrained my mind for a few months. I've created a new, healthier habit.
I noticed that I didn't feel inferior that often that my confidence in meetings improved. I stopped apologizing for taking up space or harassing people. And I became less demanding of myself, lovingly accepting and respecting my limits, knowing that perfection or its absence would not change my worth.
And one day I realized that the fear of being exposed if I got too much attention was gone. And without this fear, it was easier for me to assert myself against others and to defend my opinion. I even started recognizing and celebrating my achievements.
Now I am no longer afraid of the accusing finger that identifies me as a cheater. I no longer have to pretend I'm more than me. Because I know that I am not a scam.
I am enough. From the day I was born to the day I will die and beyond that, I will have the right to exist.
Because i'm worth it.
Just like you.
This post courtesy of Tiny Buddha.
Photo by John Noonan on Unsplash.
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