Giving Your Companion the Proper Form of Assist in Troubled Instances

Why withdrawing (for a bit) can be better for your relationship.

Beware, married women: if your husband appears anxious or upset, you may want to withhold advice in favor of a simple hug. And guys, despite the fact that it might hurt your ego, even if your wife cruelly shoots down your attempts to make her feel better, you need to keep paying attention.

According to a series of 2010 studies published by the University of Iowa, excessive mispronounced support for your marriage is worse than neglect – shocking, isn't it? A related study showed that husbands were happier when they received the "right" type of encouragement, while women were satisfied with ANY kind of help in a time of need.

Women with this type of husband have happier marriages, study says

What is the “right” type of support?

The UI study, which tracked 103 married heterosexual couples over a five-year period, identified four different types of support:

• Emotional and physical support (listening, hugging, sympathizing).
• Information support (advice, information gathering).
• Support of self-esteem (encouraging conversations).
• Tangible support (getting things done, finding solutions to problems).

Surveys showed that information assistance, especially in the form of unsolicited legal assistance, may not always be well received, while sincere encouragement was inherently fail-safe.

We assume that this is common sense for everyone. How would you like it if your partner poked out something like, "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade!" after being fired from work? Or, after gaining a few unwanted pounds, did they increase the national obesity rate? "Don't feel bad, honey, you're not the only fat person" isn't exactly comforting.

We're excited that current research refutes the idea that loving couples intuitively know how to comfort each other at any time. We can't put it better than Erika Lawrence, Associate Professor of Psychology at the UI College of Liberal Arts and Sciences:

"The idea that simply providing more support is better for your marriage is a myth," said Lawrence. "Often times, husbands and wives think," If my partner really knows and loves me, he or she will know that I am upset and how to help me. “However, this is not the best way to approach your marriage. Your partner shouldn't have to be a mind reader. Couples will be happier learning how to say, 'This is how I feel and how you can help me.'

Regardless of how long you have known your partner, it will take a lot of time and patience to gain real insight into that person's character, especially when they are facing a conflict. Even the best support methods – lower, hot dinners, a kind word – mean more when offered with your partner's specific needs in mind. Some people like to pronounce it, others want straightforward solutions, but nobody really likes being bombarded by generic attempts at consolation.

How my starter marriage saved my life

Fortunately for you guys, we women are more likely to reward you for your efforts. As much as we hate to admit it, an ironing board for our 10th anniversary is better than no confirmation of the date at all.

This guest article was first published on YourTango.com: The Subtle Behavior That Is a Death Sentence for Relationships.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash.

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