Is Single Life Mentally Unhealthy?

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Guest information for the podcast episode "Bella DePaulo – Is Single Life Mentally Unhealthy"

Bella DePaulo, a . PhD with more than 150 academic publications, has been described by Atlantic Magazine as "America's foremost thinker and writer through the only experience. "Your TEDx lecture:"What nobody has told you about single peopleHas been viewed more than a million times.

She is the author of Single out: How singles are stereotyped, stigmatized and ignored and still live happily, How we live now: Redefining house and family in the 21stst century, and other books. She wrote that "Live singleBlog for Psychology Today since 2008 and she wrote the "Single at heartBlog for Psych Central from 2011 to 2020.

Professor DePaulo has also written for publications such as the New York Times, Washington Post, Atlantic Magazine, New York Magazine, Slate, Bustle, Forbes, Time Magazine, Guardian, Chronicle of Higher Education, NBC and CNN.

Bella DePaulo has spoken about being single on radio and television, including NPR (many times) and CNN. Her work has been featured in the New York Times, Washington Post, Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Cosmopolitan, Time Magazine, Atlantic, Economist, The Week, the Nation, Business Week, AARP Magazine, Newsweek, and the TED Ideas Blog among others.

She is currently a senior fellow at the Department of Psychology and Brain Sciences at the University of California at Santa Barbara.

Via the Psych Central Podcast Host

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and public speaker living with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Insanity is an asshole and other observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from the author. To learn more about Gabe, please visit his website gabehoward.com.

Computer generated transcript for "Bella DePaulo – Is Single Life Mentally Unhealthy" episode

Single life resources

Editor's note: Please note that this transcript was computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammatical errors. Thank you very much.

Announcer: they listen The Psych Central Podcast, where visiting experts in the fields of psychology and mental health share thought-provoking information in simple everyday language. Here is your host, Gabe Howard.

Gabe Howard: Hello everyone and welcome to this week's episode of The Psych Central Podcast. I'm your hostess, Gabe Howard, calling on the show today. We have Dr. Bella DePaulo, a . Ph.D. with more than 150 scientific publications. She has been described by The Atlantic magazine as America's foremost thinker and single experience writer. Dr. DePaulo is the author of numerous books, including Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, Ignored and Still Live Happily, and How We Live Now: Redefining Home and Family in the 21st Century. Dr. DePaulo, welcome to the show.

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Thanks for the invitation.

Gabe Howard: Well, I'm very excited to have you here because I can't remember a time, definitely my adult life, but probably my whole life that I was neither in nor looking for a relationship. And to be honest, that's why I was so fascinated by your work. You wrote an article called The Badass Personalities of People Who Like To Be Alone. And it really changed my thinking about being single, and of course single people, too. Now you have a name for people who enjoy being single. Can you share

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Yes, it is single at heart, these are people who lead their best lives by being single, their most authentic, fulfilling and meaningful lives, and for people who are single at heart, they are not single because they are in the Dear Unlucky, where they were, couldn't find anyone, or they have problems, or they were just about. This is not a standard setting. It is a choice that we accept. I consider myself one of them and we appreciate being single.

Gabe Howard: I am really looking at my own life because I really had two attitudes, either in a relationship or looking for a relationship, and from my point of view, and I'm happily married, I want you to know. But what is so incredibly interesting is the people around me, they supported this idea that Gabe either had to be in a relationship or was looking for a relationship. People would say, oh, Gabe's single, oh, I have the perfect boyfriend. Is life like this for everyone?

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: You know, that was the assumption that was so common and so ubiquitous that everyone wants to get married, everyone wants to be in a romantic relationship. Just a few weeks ago, at the Pew Research Center, they reported on a survey they conducted just before the pandemic began that asked single individuals who did not yet have a partner. Do you want to have a committed romantic relationship? And then they asked another question: do you want to date? And half of the people, 50 percent, didn't want a romantic relationship and they didn't even want to date anyone. And that's just an amazing shock to the assumption you just described.

Gabe Howard: There's this strong social expectation that everyone wants to be married, or exactly

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Law.

Gabe Howard: Least coupled in any way like

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Law.

Gabe Howard: Do individuals fight against this social pressure? Didn't you just end up there to calm your friends, family and society?

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Well, sometimes they do, and that's not a good thing because if it's not what they want, obviously they won't be happy. But it's also not fair to the people they end up with when they partner up just because they think they should. Would you like to be with someone who just did it with you out of social pressure? And I found some really fascinating stories from people getting to know the love of their lives. And they are in that relationship. Your partner makes their hearts pound. And they are crazy about love and their partner loves them back. And even though they found that perfect person, they don't want to be in a relationship. It's just fascinating that this expectation holds us so tight that it puts us in a relationship we don't want. And most of them are the lucky ones to end up with someone they love. At least there is. But a lot of people who really prefer to be single, who are living their best lives, are single. People end up in relationships that aren't great. And then your partner keeps wondering what's going on? What am I doing wrong? Well maybe nothing.

Gabe Howard: It really sounds like it and then please, please correct me if I'm wrong. It really sounds like they are staying single on purpose. You plan to be single. And I really, really believed that people were single because it just happened that way. They say there are people who make deliberate choices in order to stay single.

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Yes, especially now that the idea that it is legitimate is okay, it's a completely respectable way to live, as that idea comes out, more people are making that choice. I think for a lot of people they had to go through the process of trying romantic relationships and thinking to themselves, oh what's wrong with me? Why don't I want that too? I have problems. I need to see a therapist and maybe some people will. But for people who are single at heart, they really do best on their own. And it's not only that they can be content to be alone, but they also have some very mentally healthy profiles. For example, they tend to be more open. In several studies, they are actually less neurotic than people who don't like being alone or are afraid of being single.

Gabe Howard: I've seen your very popular TEDx talk get viewed over a million times. It was called What Nobody Ever Told You About People Who Are Single (sic). And in it you discuss research that shows that, contrary to conventional wisdom, married people are not significantly happier than single people. And divorced people are in a worse position. When research shows marriage does not significantly increase happiness. Why do we all think it is?

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Well, the first question is, if you get married, will you be happier? And we're all made to believe, yes, yes, yes, yes, this is the way to get happy. In fact, we almost use it as a synonym. Oh, Gabe deserves to be happy. He should find someone, right?

Gabe Howard: Yes.

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: And yet there are now dozens of studies following the same people throughout their lives, starting out as single. And when they get married, and when people get married, they don't get happier than when they are single. At best, they'll get a little happier around the time of the wedding. Everything is so amazing. And then they're back as happy or unhappy as they were when they were single. This idea that, oh, getting married is your magical route to happiness, shows that it just isn't true. Yet we believe, as you say, that it is so hard to destroy a myth. Not because the dates aren't there, but because people are really invested in believing that it is true, because what marriage and long-term romantic pairing are supposed to offer is not just happiness, but a whole life that falls apart. You find that one special person and now you have your soul mate, your travel partner, your co-parent if you are a parent, your sexual partner, your confidante. And not only will you be happier, but you will also live healthier and longer and all your wishes will come true. And of course I mean, imagine that. That sounds like some magical snake oil that people have been using

Gabe Howard: Law.

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: For sale, but what a thing to hold onto. I mean, imagine when you find a person and that's it, you are ready. So people are interested in believing that, and it is very difficult to get them to give up this very attractive belief.

Gabe Howard: You're right, the concept of the one permeates our culture, but one of the things you mentioned was your sexual partner there. For many people, marriage and sexuality go hand in hand. In fact, you cannot have one without the other. And that I wonder if people who want to stay single are asexual? Are the two things connected, not connected? How does that fit together?

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: People who are single at heart are somewhat more asexual than people who are not. But the asexuals are still in the minority, even among the singles at heart. And some just don't care what they do for sexual satisfaction. And then everyone else does what they want. You know, there is no longer any stigma about having sex outside of marriage. So you don't have to be married to have sexual partners or just people you are in connection with for that reason. And different people have different possible solutions. This really is one of the most important lessons when it comes to being Single, and Single Heart in particular, that it is not a limiting limitation. It's expansive. So if you are married, your partner is expected to be your sex partner and you will have sex with them and you will not have sex with anyone else. When you're single, the whole world of alternatives is yours. You can't have sex at all. Or you could masturbate yourself or have sex with different people, or you could have sex with someone you understand somewhat. The options are just many and it's a very personal matter.

Gabe Howard: I like the way you say that there are a number of options that people don't think about because when it comes to sex, although our culture is very sexualized, we also have the idea that you need to find those too who has to be your long term sexual partner. And certainly we are now seeing marriages that are not monogamous. We see polyamory

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Yes.

Gabe Howard: And on and on and on.

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Consensual non-monogamy, right? Yes,

Gabe Howard: Yes, consensual non-monogamy. Yes, but it's fascinating, this idea that we put so much on marriage, and you say marriage doesn't solve as many problems as we thought, and indeed it does create some. And that doesn't make the marriage bad. It just doesn't make a single bad. And that's really the message, if I get this right this single is a choice. You can do whatever you want. Nobody hurts anyone. And.

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Oh, that's too reluctant, that's way too reluctant. Living single can be an absolutely wonderful, empowering, amazing, fulfilling, and meaningful life.

Gabe Howard: I am amazed, however, and I am deeply engrossed in this relationship so I give you full permission to put me down. Please train me here, but there's this little piece of me just sitting here. Well, maybe you haven't met the right person yet. They are simple, they are just very picky. And once the right one comes, they'll do it

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Law.

Gabe Howard: See the things that Gabe sees. I hear how that sounds even when I say it.

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Yes, that's an important point because a lot of people will think that way and that's why I love these stories and I have a whole collection of them, from people who have met, who have a partner they love, a partner who loves her back. And for example one person told me that they were trying to explain to their partner why they wanted to be single. And she would say, now I have these adventures that I want to go on. And he said, well, we can do this together, but it's not. This is not the life that she wants and imagines and appreciates and tastes. So it's not who we are. People who are single at heart and have a romantic partner at the center of our lives are just not who we are. It's like trying to tell someone who isn't straight to just keep trying to find someone who makes the heart beat faster. It's not going to happen.

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Gabe Howard: We're back with America's foremost thinker and writer in the only experience, Dr. Bella DePaulo. So what advice do you have for all of those probably well-intentioned, yet incredibly curious relatives and even strangers? How do single-at-heart people deal with the gift of Howard of the world who decide to do it, I make quotes from the air, correct them or help them when they really don't need help? Because I know how strong these messages are, and I have to imagine they are stronger if you disagree with them.

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Yes, there are these amazing studies that looked at how people respond to individuals and they looked at two different types of individuals, individuals who really want to be couples. They don't like being individuals and individuals who have chosen to be single on their happily single. And guess which individual people are treated the hardest? The single people who are happily single. Other people will tell them, oh, you're not really happy, you just didn't meet the one. They even expressed anger at those individuals who say they are happily single. And again I think it comes back to this mythical magic formula that is offered to us: if you just find the right person, all parts of your life will collapse and you will live happily and you will be healthy and you will even be morally superior what you wrote in your book. And so individual people who are happily alone threaten this myth, this promise that is given to people. And so they are rebuked and it is difficult. So my advice is to be honest. To say I like to be single. This is my best life, but know that you probably won't be treated kindly and people will guess you like they know your feelings better than you do. Oh, you don't really feel that way. Oh, you just didn't meet anyone. You will change your mind, you will grow beyond it. A good thing now is that it is easier than ever for people to find their strains, especially online. For example, I started this online Facebook community called the Community of Single People. And it's open to almost everyone. But really, I started it for single people who love their single life and want to be there for each other to support other people who also love being single and don't have to feel defensive all the time. And since I started doing it in 2015, we now have roughly four thousand seven hundred members from over a hundred nations.

Gabe Howard: And they just live their best life, minding their own business that they don't need

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Yes.

Gabe Howard: Married people, coupled people who tell them what to do are righteous.

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Right, and this is how we talk and make fun of the things people say to us. So it's a nice place.

Gabe Howard: It's interesting that you mentioned that even though you are single you want to have emotional relationships, those are just not romantic relationships. Law? I was really interested in those cultural messages that think if you want to be single it means you are antisocial. It means you don't

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Oh my God.

Gabe Howard: Do you want to make connections. It means you hate people.

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Oh, that's so sad.

Gabe Howard: I just know that I know how wrong this is

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Yes.

Gabe Howard: But it's hard to get over it.

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Yes, it is actually exactly wrong because there is always good research showing that people who get married become more insular, pay less attention to their friends, reach their parents less and become that little island pair or family. Now, of course, it doesn't happen to all married couples, but on average to married people, whose social worlds are shrinking, and it is the single people who have more friends who do more work to keep up with their friends and neighbors, relatives , Employees, they are more common living their cities and towns. So the actual data is exactly the opposite of what these stereotypes and myths have us believe about individuals.

Gabe Howard: It's really. The myth is so ubiquitous, right, it's simple

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Yes / Yes.

Gabe Howard: The romantic comedies say it. I've gotten into pop culture a lot and there isn't a movie or TV show with a happy single person who doesn't end up finding the one. Even

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: I know.

Gabe Howard: When you find a single person in the group. You know, let's put Phoebe in Friends. You know, she was mostly single for a long time, but they found him.

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Or Sex and the City should be made up of four brave, sexy, capable single women, and all of them end up like cooing couples or head in those directions. It was such a big disappointment. And that's really difficult when there's an entire entertainment industry based on the assumption that everyone is going to get married. And, you know, it's got to a point where it's so over the top that having a streak that ends up going to a wedding no longer works. I mean, you have shows like Gray & # 39; s Anatomy that have episodes with multiple weddings in the same episode. I think it's like we've gotten so used to it that it takes more of what I call "matro-mania" to get through to us. Oh a wedding? Big thing. We have to try again. Make it another wedding. How about three weddings in this episode?

Gabe Howard: My final question is for people who, as you describe, are single at heart and want to be single. They struggle with pop culture, society, their friends, their families. What advice do you have for her?

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Yes, find your tribe. If online support groups are your thing, join the community of individuals. I have a whole List of resources I can send this to you to post. And that includes blogs and podcasts. I will add these now.

Gabe Howard: Yes, you are the author of the Live single Blog about psychology today. You have been writing that since 2008.

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Right, so that's a great way, but I'm going to send you a link on a whole List of resources for single people who are single without excuse and happily and joyfully.

Gabe Howard: And I invite everyone to read her blog. Live single about psychology today. We will also put one List of other resources in the show notes that you can check them all out. Dr. DePaulo, thank you very much for being you and being here, and thank you for pointing out all the ways I was wrong. I really appreciate that. You really taught me a lot.

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D .: Thanks for the invitation. I was happy to talk to you.

Gabe Howard: And thank you everyone for listening, if you loved the show, please, please, please subscribe. Wherever you've downloaded this podcast, click Subscribe, use your words, rate, rate, and rate. Tell people why they should listen. Share us on social media. If you have ideas for a show theme, join a show @ PsychCentral. My name is Gabe Howard and I am the author of Mental Illness Is an Asshole, which is available on Amazon. Or you can get a signed copy for a lot less money on my personal website gabehoward.com. And always remember that you can give free, convenient, affordable and private advice online anytime, anywhere for a week BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral. We meet next week.

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