The Two Arrows: Pain & Suffering

A teaching from the Buddha.

There are two arrows. The first arrow that hits us (an unexpected event, an unexpected situation, an illness, etc.) causes great pain and difficulty. It hurts us

The second arrow is our own response to this pain and distress. The name of this second arrow suffers.

The lesson is that pain and adversity are inevitable for all of us, but suffering is a choice. Our relationship with pain and adversity greatly affects our suffering.

I see this sometimes in my clients, friends, family, and myself – that suffering from repeating the same thoughts, patterns, and reactive behaviors can make us feel stuck, hopeless, angry, anxious, overwhelmed, and more. The experience of pain and distress – whatever it may be, it often feels all consuming. It can feel overwhelming and endless. Although the pain and adversity may be inevitable, our suffering depends on whether we choose to remain in pain or seek a way out.

The physiological lifespan of an emotion

health neuroscientist Jill Bolte-Taylor concluded that the physiological lifespan of emotions in the body and brain is 90 seconds: arise, peak, and dissolve.

However, our relationship with pain and distress keeps the emotions going. This activates the fight / flight / freeze / facade reaction of the sympathetic system. This activation is often caused by unconscious memories (memories between birth and 7 years of age or a traumatic incident later in life) that may not pose a real threat to life in the "now" but absolutely feel like a real threat. What to do?

The challenge here is to make the unconscious conscious.

This includes taking the time to learn and understand our minds (ego), thoughts and beliefs and what we do when things get difficult. Take the time to understand what our coping strategies are consciously and unconsciously. And we have to find the right tools to support us.

Albert Einstein is known to be quoted as saying: "Insanity does the same thing over and over again and expects different results."

How can we alleviate our suffering?

We literally have to think and act differently. We need to create positive new patterns. To do this, we need to move away from what is convenient – which we have always done before. We need to shed some light on the pain we are hiding. We need to see that what triggers us as humans in the world is a mirror of a part of us that is not fully understood or seen.

My go-to tools for this are The work of Byron Katie, Holistic coaching & Transformation breath.

We need to understand our mind's attachment to thoughts and see our conditioning and life history with plenty. It takes so much courage to sit with us and open up even more to others about our suffering and insecurity.

I am intentionally looking for a community of like-minded people to do this job too. Asking my friends for support when I'm confused, out of whack, and stuck is always a turning point. I have a coaching session with my coach or give myself a self-breathing session on Transformational Breath.

You could say that the essence of “shadow work” is to change our relationship with pain by learning to feel it and be present with it in order to heal it. It is very helpful to seek the assistance of professionals.

Maitri meditation

Pema Chodron speaks of "Maitri" and says, "It is much more common for us to disapprove or denigrate ourselves." Maitri is a Sanskrit word and it's about making friends with yourself. I don't really think it's going to come from outside of you. And as you know, we all look outside of ourselves. We look everywhere to try to make us feel good. It's not just the foundation of compassion and the germ of happiness or well-being or the joy of being alive. Where does it come from? Much has to do with our relationship with pain and difficulty. "

Try this Maitri meditation for yourself, taught by Spring Washam, a great healer and teacher. Do this whenever you feel disconnected from love and yourself:

Sit with your hands over your heart and very gently calm yourself with your hands as you repeat. "I worry about your suffering, I worry about your pain." Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling while offering yourself Maitri.

Creating more suffering, moving around in our own way, and sabotaging ourselves is completely normal and essential to our growth. We have to feel our feelings. We just have to remember that we cannot be enlightened and a victim at the same time. Finally we have to choose …

Andy Nathan is a certified yoga and meditation teacher, holistic coach and transformational breath facilitator in training. He leads kirtans and has a passion for DJing organic dance music at yoga and wellness events. Andy lives near Cambridge * UK with his two cats Connie & Mo and believes that miracles happen! A smile is rare on Andy's face and the human connection is his greatest inspiration. Andy teaches across the UK, Europe and Southeast Asia, as well as online. All courses and dates can be found here: https://rittenr.ee/andyjnathan

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