Why Parents Need To Set Expectations For Neurodivergent Children

With so much of our thinking power focused on the details and distracted from the bigger picture, it can be difficult for me (and my son) to find the “why” that supports us through any number of seemingly minor difficulties along the way . Life can often feel like it is getting out of hand. There are too many details that we cannot control and yet we see them all individually, usually without being able to perceive them all as part of a bigger picture.

It's hard to describe what this is like for someone who hasn't experienced it. It's like trying to hold onto the sand. There are so many little grains – everyone seems equally important and yet it is impossible to hold onto all of them.

Setting expectations alleviates some of this lack of control. Just knowing the structure in which my life takes place – even just for the day or for the next few hours – can convey an enormous sense of clarity. It's like suddenly having a bucket for the sand. When I know I have a five by five inch bucket to put my sand in, I will control the grains of sand I deal with in order to succeed within that controlled structure.

For example, if we ask our son to put down his tablet and he doesn't know why or for how long, and he didn't expect beforehand that he would no longer have to use it, he is much less willing to cooperate. However, if we had already set a time limit of fifteen minutes when he picked up the tablet and he hears the timer running out, he will put it down on his own as his expectations were clear and he is now in control of his own destiny.